Father Figure

‘What the fuck do you mean, you don’t remember? I’m pretty fucking sure it’s the first thing you do before you put your dick inside.’

Of course, I remembered. But I couldn’t admit it. Even though she’d already told me she was pregnant, the horror inside me wouldn’t let go. Saying it out loud that I’d insisted on sex without protection — felt impossible. Was it the fear of confessing? Or just fear of confronting my own stupidity? Either way, I wasn’t ready to accept it.

‘Ah, piss off, man. I don’t know. She was all over me — whispering in my ear, touching me everywhere, riding me. You think I was looking down there? Maybe it was even her idea.’ Heat crept up my neck, and I felt the redness on my face. I hoped Roy wouldn’t notice.

‘Oh yeah? Her idea? Tell me, does it fucking matter? You got that girl pregnant, and you barely even know her. I can’t believe how stupid you have to be to — ‘

‘Could you stop? I came to you for advice, not another morality lesson. You’re in the same boat. What did you do?’

‘What did I do? What did I fucking do? Did you forget this bitch made me marry her? And now look at me — I’m 26, married with two kids and a hysterical bitch on top that I can’t stand. You still think you need my advice?’

I did.

Roy wasn’t the best person I knew, but he was the only one I could go to and never speak of it again. I met him two years ago when he was already married to that college girl and had one kid. Conversations with Roy usually felt easy. Not this time. Maybe because he was sober, and for once, he wasn’t just agreeing with everything I said. My nails dug into the wooden chair, with wood shavings collecting under them. My phone pressed uncomfortably against my hip. My keys bit into my thigh. The vinyl that couldn’t start playing started to scratch my insides.

‘I’m scared, man. I don’t know what to do. When she sent that text, I read it like three? four times?… I felt like I was having a panic attack. I’m broke, I don’t know her, I don’t even have a job to support myself, let alone that kid.’

‘So you don’t even like her?’ His face looked confused, slightly conflicted. Then he leaned forward. ‘I noticed that the fact that you only knew this girl for a week seems not to scare you?’

He sounded calmer now, studying me. Trying to understand, and ask me with his eyes: ‘Chris, what the fuck is on your mind?’ When I looked directly into his eyes, I could see my own reflection. My face looked pale, bloodless, like oxygen wasn’t reaching my brain. But my lips kept moving in the hopes of saying something decent.

‘Not really. I mean, look at me — I’m 29. Who knows when I’ll get married at this point? She seems nice — I mean, she’s from a good family, so what if I barely know her? She’s probably the first girl I’ve slept with in years — ‘

‘That’s true. I’ve never seen you with a girl — ‘

‘Fuck you.’

We both chuckled. Things eased between us. My nervous pitch dropped back to my regular nihilistic drawl. I put my hands on the table and leaned 30% of my weight on one shoulder. This was my way of getting comfortable.

‘But I can tell you’re scared,’ Roy said. ‘I was too.’

He raised two fingers at the waitress. Code for: help us get as drunk as possible.

‘You know, when I met Laura, it was never certain. And I sure as hell didn’t think I was spending time with a hysterical cunt. It was 2023.’

The waitress arrived with four drinks. Three for Roy. His eyes lit up. He snatched them and took a huge chug from the nearest pint. I felt relief, too. Maybe drinking with a friend at 29 was the only happiness I had left. Roy cracked his neck — sharp, rapid movements left and right — then leaned back in his chair. The vinyl player seemed to finally start working, tuning in to the Purple Rain by Prince.

‘That evening, the music was soothing. Comfortable. Not as loud as it is now, but not quiet either. The club was in the North-West — you know, the druggy district. I never go out there unless I’m visiting a hooker, but that night, friends convinced me.’

Same way, my friends convinced me to come to that karaoke bar where I met Judy. As Roy kept talking about the weather that night, the crowd, the energy — I drifted. I started mixing my own memories with his. I tried to picture Judy’s face as hard as I could. The shape of her nose. What she wore. How white were her teeth. How her laugh sounded. Nothing. My mind went blank. I didn’t have a single image of Judy in my head. And that only sharpened the fear. I wondered if Roy remembered what Laura looked like that night.

‘When I walked in, I felt secure. Like I belonged. Like it was finally my night. You’ve been to clubs, yeah? We rarely feel like it’s our night.’ His whole weight fell on me as he laughed and threw his arm over my shoulder. I gave him an awkward smile, a shaky nod, nudging him to keep going.

‘We hadn’t met yet, but man — I was drowning in girls that night. Blondes, brunettes, all of them looking at me at least once. I felt like I could’ve grabbed any of them if I wanted.’ He took another sip, then started coughing — hard, choking, his face turning red. I slapped his back a few times until the cough cleared.

‘Where was I?’ His eyes watered. ‘Oh yeah — those faces, man. They looked so fucking — ‘

‘So when did you see Laura?’

‘Oh. Right, right. The pantheress.’

‘Who?’ Even though I already knew it was his nickname for her, I wanted to hear him explain it.

‘The pantheress. That’s what we called her. She had this leather skirt, leather corset — all black. Made her tongue look pinker than her — ‘

‘Alright, alright. I get it.’

‘Yeah, yeah. And you know what else felt great that night? The atmosphere. All of a sudden, the neon lights didn’t blur my vision. The girls in tight skirts with neon bracelets didn’t sound annoying. The sweat, the heat — it didn’t feel overwhelming. I was just in the moment.’

Roy kept rambling, drifting away from the moment he actually met Laura. As he talked, I thought harder about that night with Judy.

Was I embarrassed by her? Was she bad news? Or was there something more? When she grabbed my hand that night — maybe she chose me. Maybe it was destiny. She was the first girl in a long time.

Maybe it was help from God. That’s what I wanted to think.

‘Allo, allo, you listening?’

‘Oh yeah, yeah, man. Sorry. Zoned out.’

‘That’s only one fucking pint, man.’ His laugh was raspy, like dragging a knife across a chalkboard.

‘But that night, I didn’t feel like taking advantage of girls who just became legal, drunker than high schoolers on graduation night.’ His laugh was infectious but repulsive. He chomped on bread with greasy cheese topping — some of it falling out of his mouth, leaving crumbs on the table. For a second, he looked like a 60-year-old pervert, gesturing at the bodies of those girls. His ungroomed beard still had foam from the beer. The smell of stale alcohol and fried food hung in the air between us. It soothed me.

‘But that was nothing until my friend started hitting on Laura. That’s when I saw her. Man, she was skinny back then — ‘

‘Wait — your friend? Not you?’

‘Oh, no, no.’ He took a big sip. He chomped again, making sure the beer went down. ‘My friend wanted to fuck that devil’s daughter first.’ He chuckled, winked at me. ‘But he didn’t even offer the lady a drink.’

His voice got louder. He eyed the waitress, signaling for another round. I started questioning whether his story was even helping me, or if this was just another way for him to unload before the weekend with his wife. I’d never fully understood their relationship. They were the type of couple that looked happy together but hated each other in private. I tried to remember a single time Roy had complimented his wife. Anything good he’d said about her. The best I could find was the time she picked up the kids — and even that felt backhanded. Was that my future?

‘So I offered her a drink. To this day, it’s still her favorite.’ The rasp left his voice. The pervert look vanished. Now he looked like a kid showing his mom his first drawing. I saw pride on his face.

‘What was it?’ I’d never seen Laura drink — maybe because every time I saw her, she was pregnant.

‘Tequila. Can you believe it? Mommy loves it strong.’ He giggled, louder this time, like he wanted the whole bar to hear. Then he grabbed the back of my neck, pulled me close, whispered in my ear. ‘But the way she went crazy on me after those tequila shots? Man.’ His face twisted like he’d touched something boiling hot. ‘She never held back. That tongue… probably the greatest sex I ever had. She was ferocious. Just like — ‘ He side-eyed me and lifted his eyebrow — ‘Your Judy.’

‘After I got us a cab, we went to my place. And man, let me tell you, that doggy style was — ‘

But Roy didn’t sound crude anymore. Or angry. For the first time, I was hearing him glorify his wife instead of tearing her down. Was it nostalgia? Or just pure happiness bleeding through? There was no regret in his voice. It made me wonder where all that happiness came from — and whether it would still be there five years from now, when we’d still be sitting at this bar, talking about the night I tried to run from being a father.

Now that Roy was drunk enough. I wanted to ask him how it feels. How was it?

‘Being a father — how did you — ?’

He thought for a moment, then turned his head sharply to face me.

‘I try… to be a good father, man. I try to handle my shit. But sometimes I fail.’ His face started crumpling. I saw every wrinkle, every line. Tears pooled in his eyes. I shifted in my seat, unsure how to comfort him. I put my hand on his shoulder. His dry hand gestured near my face, searching for words he couldn’t say.

‘I love Danny. I love Liz. They’re my precious little — ‘

‘Man, I don’t get it. An hour ago, you said you’re in the worst position of your life. That your wife is — ‘

‘But I love her, man.’

The tears came. Roy was crying. I’d never seen him cry before.

‘Every day I wake up, I go wake up my kids, I go downstairs, I cook breakfast, I get them ready for school. And sometimes I don’t see my wife around. Sometimes she rushes to work too early. And I imagine — what if every day was like that? When she’s not there anymore. When it’s not just a couple of nights she’s not lying next to me, but every night.’

His body rocked back and forth, like he was trying to find balance — physically, mentally. ‘And the more I think about it, the more I hate her.’

He paused. Stopped looking at me. Stared down at the wooden table.

‘How did that night feel?’

‘That night… Laura and I were alone. And I instantly felt like I wanted kids with her. Was it a bad decision? Probably. But I can’t imagine my life without that bitch. Every night I wait for her to come to bed, to lie beside me like she did that night. Like she trusted me. Like she loved me. Because that’s when I feel complete.’

I didn’t understand him. He was confessing to murder but calling it love.

‘When she told me I was going to be a father, I freaked out. I hated myself. I thought my whole life was over — my career, my plan to fuck random girls until I’m 60. It all seemed to crumble.’ His voice turned fierce again, frustrated. He stared at the table, almost shouting at it.

‘I hated Laura. Didn’t care how she felt. Can you believe it took her three years to tell me that just one message — one fucking message saying “I’m here for you” — could’ve stopped her from trying to kill herself?’

‘What do you mean, could’ve stopped her?’

He sighed.

‘The same year I met her, Laura disappeared for a couple of days. Same way I did. I ghosted her; I didn’t want to talk. I had nothing to say. I’d accepted my life was doomed, as I was scrolling through abortion options, pills, contraception, all that bullshit. And while I was doing that, she was fighting for her life.’

Roy looked away, jaw tight. My chest tightened. I didn’t know what I was about to hear, and it made my throat and my lips feel dry, forcing another sip.

‘Her apartment always smelled like dead rats. Western part of the city, third floor. Neighbours hated her. Wouldn’t check on anyone even if they smelled a corpse — it’d just blend in with the usual stench. During those days Laura spent alone, she hated me. Hated me for getting her pregnant. For ruining her life. So she didn’t want to be part of that life anymore.’

His voice cracked.

‘She told me later that she felt my repulsion. For those kids. For her. I never told her I didn’t regret it. Never. I never did, man.’

He broke down again. Kept talking, but the words were barely comprehensible. His whole body shook. His leather jacket creaked with every spasm, every shudder. His voice trembled. A vein pulsed on his forehead.

‘I almost lost her, man. I almost lost her.’

The dryness in his voice amplified. I couldn’t just sit there and watch. I didn’t want more details — how he almost lost her, who stopped it, what saved her. I let the assumption settle and left it there. Roy was 21 when he met Laura. Eight years younger than me now. And he’d acted exactly like I was acting. I’d always wanted kids. A loving woman by my side. I just never thought it would happen like this. Maybe there was nothing random about meeting Judy.

Maybe the position I was in wasn’t a curse. Maybe it was a gift.

‘I’m a failed father, man. A failed husband. If there’s any advice I can give you, call her. Tell her you’ll always be by her side. That’s the right thing to do, Chris. You’re not too late yet.’

‘You’re not either. Call her. Tell her you love her, Roy.’

He sounded unsure. But at least the trembling left his voice. Replaced with something like hopelessness.

‘Man, I don’t know. She’s probably busy — ‘

‘Do it. Now. I’m gonna call Judy too.’

He smiled. A genuine smile. I’d only seen it once before — the day he picked Danny up from school and that kid told him about his whole day, words tumbling out faster than thoughts. I was sure it was the regular Roy smile. But it was the first time I’d earned the right to see it.

I picked up my phone and stood. I wanted to leave him alone. I hugged him, told him I’d be back soon — and I’d better see that smile when I returned. Outside, the snow was falling. Snowflakes landed seamlessly on my winter coat. It made me feel warm. I loved winter. I pulled off my gloves and dialled Judy’s number. It had been a couple of days since we’d talked. Maybe one call was all she wanted. Next time I asked Roy for advice, I wouldn’t come looking for ways to run. I’d come asking how to be a better father. A better husband. Because even though he blamed himself, he never gave his kids a reason to be disappointed.

I pressed the green button. The call went through. Judy picked up instantly.

‘Hey, Judy. How are you? Listen, I’m sorry I didn’t call. I acted like a child. It’s my fault. I want to help you as much as I can. I want to take this seriously. Where are you right now? Maybe we could meet?’

‘Chris…’

‘You know what, actually, it’s fine. I could come to your place. Bring some warm food. It’s freezing out here.’

‘Chris…’

‘What?’

‘The child isn’t yours.’